The Grace of Holding Accountable

I got called out last week by a friend and I was so grateful. 

I am not saying it didn’t ruffle my feathers or fail to send me into a small tailspin of guilt. I am hyper-vigilant specifically to avoid these uncomfortable moments. 

But I much prefer to be told that I hurt someone rather than have them stuff it down or build up resentment or fear or anguish. Yuk.

It helped immensely that my friend was fair, kind, strait-forward and forgiving in her presentation of how something I said hurt her feelings. 

I felt a bit defensive at first and jumped to explain what I meant to say. Then I caught myself and slowed down and apologized and acknowledged that she was reasonable and that my initial reaction came out wrong on my part. 

To me, being called out with kindness is a sign of respect. The person believes that I can hear their feedback rationally. If it’s reasonable, I am honored that they saw me as worthy of a hard conversation. 

It’s only fair anyhow, since I am known as someone who can be overtly honest. As a lovely review I received today stated, “She doesn’t sugar coat anything.” 

It’s in my blood. My mom is German and fits the culture’s fiercely direct reputation. I like to believe that I have integrated a bit more compassion into our family communication style, but friends still don’t expect me to bite my tongue or be coy. 

Society does well to value people who speak up. Recently, two local social circles that produce events have had major breakdowns due to people in leadership protecting bad behaviors and hiding it from public view.

It has led to the removal of the offenders, finally, but has also dismantled trust in the other managers of the organizations. Nothing good has come from the delay in response and brushing serious things under the rug. 

That’s why I grimace when I hear kids being rude to their parents in public to no consequence. I know parenting is hard, I tried the stepmom role for a decade and fell on my face regularly. I am still certain that accountability is necessary to make good humans. 

Consequence and culpability is a way of saying to someone that you hold them to a higher standard. You believe they are capable of better. It’s a weird compliment. 

How you approach the matter is key to the potential of a good outcome. Remember that even if you do everything as conscientiously as possible, they still may not respond well. Own your part as best you can, even if they can’t own theirs.  

For support, here is a systematic strategy to help navigate calling someone out graciously when you need to: 

Praise in Public, Correct in Private: Don’t add embarrassment to the already challenging experience

Timing is Key: Balance between telling them as soon as possible, but after you soften your initial triggers. It’s hard to bring a neutral voice when you’re disregulated.

Approach with the Situation, Behavior and Impact Model: Stay specific to one time and place this occurred to avoid general statements. Be clear about the exact action that was problematic. Then explain the consequence of that choice in that moment. 

Let them Speak: Ask them to explain where they were coming from and their own perspective without being interrupted. 

Create a Plan: Discuss how you each can take actions to avoid this happening again.

Get called out lovingly by the spirit guides during a personal tarot reading with me. 

Bring in a friend who needs to hear their own BS during a Tarot Together session.

You can request that our reader is direct with their mini-reading call outs when you hire a tarot or palm reader from Portlandia Fortune Tellers to entertain. 

I hope you have a lovely weekend of accepting yourself and your community in all our foibles. 

Own It to Love it, 

Jenna Lynne Roberts

Present Path Tarot

Portlandia Fortune Tellers