Limerance Explored

A lot of clients this summer have come to me for a reading around their unattainable crush. 

I first ask if they are thinking about them constantly, maybe even obsessing. If they say yes, I ask if they know what Limerance is.

It’s not a type of diagnosis, but I ask them to look up the term to decide for themselves if they are in it, or speak to a trained counselor about their experience.

Limerance is an infatuation or crush where your mind fixates on a person. You desperately want their validation and reciprocation.

You idealize them, and daydream constantly with intrusive thoughts about the next time you might see them or envision conversations you might have.

This can be for a person you know or a celebrity. I have had both, although limerance for a celebrity is more of an adoring super fan vibe with thoughts of this stranger filling your day. Limerance for a personal connection includes the hope of reconciling your passion, and this potential makes it more intense. 

I am not medically trained in this area, but I have a lot to say from my own personal experiences. It is a big deal for me to publicly share this truth, since I have often felt deeply embarrassed by it. 

In times of depression, I have become hyperfocused on an object of affection. During COVID shelter-in-place, I scoured the internet for anything I could find about Phoebe Waller-Bridge. 

When I was trying to date again after a 10-year break up, I got my heart set beyond reasoning on Carl. 

These moments taste of heightened life. The desire and the adoration is intense, and your brain is flushed with dopamine and other chemicals. 

It turns out that people with ADHD are more likely to get limerant due to dopamine dysregulation… so that tracks. 

I remember sitting at my kitchen table during my Carl phase. I could observe my heart feeling like an enormous rocket in my chest. It was both painful and exhilarating. I tried to focus on being grateful that my body even has the capacity to allow such strong feelings. I was anything but comfortably numb. 

In my layman’s opinion, I believe that limerance comes at a time when you are ready to bridge yourself out of a time of darkness. 

One article I saw said that it is a form of depression. For me, it has been a launchpad out of the blues. 

It feels like a kickstart, similar to a defibrillator, where you go from mundane to wide awake in the feelings of life. 

I believe that you can use this crossover moment to let yourself feel fully alive. Please acknowledge and celebrate that those strong sensations are yours and are for you. 

They might be inspired by an external catalyst, but they are a powerful emotion that belongs to you. Relish that you are a vivacious human who can feel intensely and live and breathe through that full spectrum of feelings.

The feelings will subside through time if you allow them to. You likely can find a healthy balance again.

Once you accept that this person is not your ‘twin flame’, you can simply enjoy the sensation of adoring them from afar in a more reasonable way. 

I know it’s not easy to get there. You want their approval so desperately. Give yourself that approval instead. 

Imagine that someone felt this way about you at some point (you might even know who in your history). Turn that love on yourself, and relish your own precious value. 

I believe that our objects of affection might be people with qualities that you share and that inspire you to love yourself more. 

How do they represent a beautiful part of yourself? How do they inspire you to want to be more like them in joyous ways? 

The funny thing about Carl is that we did date briefly during my peak desire time. He soon let me down in the most kind and sincere way. I was sad, but also relieved that I had my answer, even if it was not the one I wanted. 

We slowly became friends, and my limerance waned. I realized how wrong he was for me as a potential partner. Our limerant desire is not rational, and often is not for a person who is practical for us. 

Ironically, a year after we met, he fell into limerance for a woman and I – of all people – counseled him through it. I felt honored and enjoyed the universe’s sense of humor. 

The therapists pages will say that limerance is not love. I can consider this is true, but I do love Carl. Heck, I still love Phoebe. I just don’t love them in the same way as when I was infatuated with them. 

I also want to state that my experience of this has opened my heart chakra in a powerful way, and I don’t want anyone to dismiss their experience.

Trust that it might be waking you up to allow a real and equal love into your life. Let go of the false belief that this person is better than you. Let them be your muse for some art and release them as “the one”. If they really are your person, it will be easier for them to see you as such when you love yourself fully anyhow.

There are many pages by therapists describing how to free yourself from limerance and I recommend that you look for those or send your friends to those places if they are fixated on someone. 

I also hope you’ll consider sharing this article, because I think there is deep value in embracing ourselves and abolishing the shame around limerance. 

I even have learned when to lean into it. If I get really sick, I now let myself rabbit hole on my current film fascination. I deep dive on their movies or shows or interviews for a spell. It limits choice and quells the FOMO. The distraction comforts me and gives me an odd sense of purpose when I am down and out. 

I don’t know if that is right for you or what therapists would recommend, so be sure to have a trained counselor on your side to confess to around this matter.

If you want to share your heart with a compassionate soul and learn your spirit guides perspective, come see me for a personal tarot reading.

Bring in a friend who knows your heart to be witnessed in a Tarot Together session.

Invite all your objects of affection over for a party and hire a tarot or palm reader from Portlandia Fortune Tellers to treat them to a unique gift. 

Have a wonderful weekend of loving all those that you love, including yourself. 

Love your Full Heart, 

Jenna Lynne Roberts

Present Path Tarot

Portlandia Fortune Tellers