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How to Go D.E.E.P. with Narcissistic People
It seems like everyone’s ex is a Narcissist these days. Obviously, this is not statistically possible.
However, when a friend describes the behaviors of this person, we can often confirm that they are dealing with a certified jerk.
We can’t really diagnose without a degree, but we can call it like it is.
Even if full-blown NPD is only in around 5% of the population, general narcissistic traits are more common.
We don’t need an absolute DSM-approved diagnosis anyhow to empower ourselves with people who are awful to communicate with.
Today, let’s consider some methods to manage talks with people who feel impossible to have a fair exchange with.
Narcissistic communication traits include but are not limited to:
Gaslighting – denial of past events and a questioning of your own reality
DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) – make themselves into the victim when any critique comes their way
Strategic Helplessness – using guilt and fake naivety to turn the blame on you
Condescension / Arrogance – put you down while lifting themselves up
Apathy – show a lack of interest in your experience
Minimizing / Dismissal – downplay the meaningful effect things might have on you
One of my favorite resources for information on how to manage people in our lives with narcissistic traits is Dr. Ramini.
When I mentioned to my therapist that I have been watching this YouTube channel, she actually said that it’s a great resource. So yay for professional approval.
One of Ramini’s primary strategies is called D.E.E.P.
DON’T:
Defend – if you are feeling attacked with irrational thought, don’t try to stand up to it as it only validates their claims
Engage – save your energy and don’t play into the cycles of their nonsense
Explain – never give the reasoning you have for how you feel or why you do what you do as they will only turn this against you
Personalize – remember this is not about you, this is about their need to control
This method cuts them off from their supply. It means you won’t start yelling or give them fodder for more valid criticisms.
While passive in style, it also spares you from the cycles that serve their ego.
Another technique similar to this is called ‘Gray Rocking‘. We can try to keep conversations brief and not share a lot of personal details.
The goal is to lower the emotional values of the exchange so they lose interest in attempting to rile us up.
Consider what your boundaries are and ask for them clearly. I find text is best for this so they can’t gaslight and change the request later. Get it in writing.
Keep in mind that boundaries are less powerful when we state them as a controlling command: “You can’t ever do this.”
Boundaries are better stated in a clear result that is rational: “When you do this, I will respond with this reasonable action.”
They likely will try to weaponize your boundaries at first, so hold your ground until they wear themselves out and let go of trying.
There is a risk that this shift in communication style can end the relationship. If that is dire for you, consider hiring a mediator after you attempt boundaries.
A narcissist can’t play the same game with a stranger in the room. It can be worth the cost to have a third party witness the exchange to either get them to show a better side of themselves or to hold them accountable.
If you want to discuss challenging people, consider a personal tarot reading to see what the cards have to say about your approach.
Develop the skills to think about others from the archetypes in a tarot reading lesson.
Have a friend who knows what you’re going through join you in the hard work of shifting your relations during a Tarot Together session.
Shake out the stress of frustrating people when you throw a party for the good ones and include the fun of a tarot or palm reader from Portlandia Fortune Tellers.
I hope this weekend is rich with loving people who honor your perspectives and value your vulnerability.
Own the Conversation,
Jenna Lynne Roberts